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" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

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" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" Think off-center. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "