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" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

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" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" Think off-center. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "