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" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

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" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know? "

Kris Holden-Ried

" I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "

Jean de la Bruyere

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter

" I'm a funny person, but I take my music seriously. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" I can resist everything except temptation. "

" The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "

" Life is hard. After all, it kills you. "

Katharine Hepburn

" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

Benjamin Disraeli

" People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.' "

" At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" Japanese people have a funny habit of abbreviating names. "

Shigeru Miyamoto

" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "

" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

" If I feel you're funny, I want to work with you. "

Danielle Schneider

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "