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" Religion is just mind control. "

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" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" Think off-center. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "