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" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

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" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "