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" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

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" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" Think off-center. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "