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" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "
George Carlin
You
Good Example
Good
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" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "
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" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "
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" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
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" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "
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" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "
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" Always do whatever's next. "
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" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
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" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "
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" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "
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" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "
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" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "
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" The status quo sucks. "
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" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "
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" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "
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" Religion is just mind control. "
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" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "
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" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "
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" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
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" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "
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" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "
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" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "
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" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "
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" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "
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" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "
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