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" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

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" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" Think off-center. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "