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" Always do whatever's next. "

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" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

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" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

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" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

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" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "