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" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

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" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Think off-center. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "