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" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

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" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

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" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "