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" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "