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" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

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" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "