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" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

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" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

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" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

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