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" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

Mitch Hedberg

Halfway

Live

Never

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Mitch Hedberg

Funny

Jokes

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

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Ask

Dreams

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

Mitch Hedberg

Brain

Free

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

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Mitch Hedberg

People

Unless

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "