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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "