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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "
Mitch Hedberg
Cube
Up
Night
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" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
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" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "
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Whistle
I Can
Fingers
" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
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Hands
Like
Here
" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs
Push
Forever
" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
Mitch Hedberg
You
Never
See
" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "
Mitch Hedberg
Last
You
Time
" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "
Mitch Hedberg
Dry
Clean
Which
" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "
Mitch Hedberg
Addicted
Play
Sitting
" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
Mitch Hedberg
Imagine
Understand
You
" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "
Mitch Hedberg
You
Want
Two
" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
Mitch Hedberg
Work
Bubble
Back
" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
Mitch Hedberg
Think
You
Sorry
" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
Mitch Hedberg
Depressing
Tennis
Never
" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
Mitch Hedberg
Halfway
Live
Never
" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "
Mitch Hedberg
Did
Fake
Funny
" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
Mitch Hedberg
I Wish
Better
Now
" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
Mitch Hedberg
Brain
Free
Me
" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
Mitch Hedberg
Cake
Birthday
Buy
" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
Mitch Hedberg
Carrots
Would
Drunk
" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
Mitch Hedberg
Someone
Women
Who
" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
Mitch Hedberg
Me
Funny
Jokes
" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "
Mitch Hedberg
Think
Wave
Know
" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
Mitch Hedberg
Look
Know
I Can
" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
Mitch Hedberg
Type
Any
Fingers
" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
Mitch Hedberg
Macaroni
Cheese
Food
" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
Mitch Hedberg
Fun
Candy
You
" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "
Mitch Hedberg
Why
Wrong
Amazing
" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
Mitch Hedberg
Stocking
Foot
Severed
" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "
Mitch Hedberg
Want
Banana
Friend
" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
Mitch Hedberg
Woman
Know
Mad