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" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

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" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "