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" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

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" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "