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" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "
Mitch Hedberg
Trying
Weak
Bring
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" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
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" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
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" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
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" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
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" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
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" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "
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" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "
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" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "
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" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
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" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
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" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
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" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
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" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "
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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "
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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
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" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "
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" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
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" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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