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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "