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" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "

Laurence J. Peter

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" It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week. "

Laurence J. Peter

" It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way. "

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial. "

" A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. "

Ernest Hemingway

" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "

" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

" Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny, make sense and be romantic, it's creating a puzzle. Yes, having been a writer for so long, I have an awareness of when things are going awry, but it doesn't mean I know how to fix them. "

" I like marriage. The idea. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' "

" The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure. "

Laurence J. Peter

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. "

" Cure for an obsession: get another one. "

" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "

" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" I can speak Esperanto like a native. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

" I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time. "