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" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

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" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" The status quo sucks. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" Think off-center. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "