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" Think off-center. "

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" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

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" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "