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" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

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" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" Think off-center. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "