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" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

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" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "