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" I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. "

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" Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! "

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? "

" When you're doing a medieval show like 'Pillars,' it starts off a bit like a school play. You're all in funny costumes; you've had your coffee, and you say, 'Good morning'. Then you go on set and, if you've got good actors and directors, it takes on a life of its own. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. "

Henry Kissinger

" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "

" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "

" I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. "

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" To me, wealth is the peace of mind you have, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Everything else is just money, and it really is funny how people pay so much attention to that. "

Ricardo Salinas Pliego

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. "

" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "

" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. "

" Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book. "

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "

Christopher Plummer

" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

" I'm crazy, funny, and good looking! "

" Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. "

Sparky Anderson

" I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing. "