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" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

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" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' "

" I like children - fried. "

" I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny. "

" There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. "

" I was like, 'I want to start a blog to get my ideas out and keep my brain working so in five years I'm not an idiot.' "

" You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. "

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" I looked on my stomach and saw Frieda Rebecca, white as flour with the cream that covers new babies, funny little dark squiggles of hair plastered over her head, with big, dark-blue eyes. "

" Am I the next Bill Simmons? I don't think so. I haven't built a media property. He's the best at finding voices he likes and paying people money to work for him. "

" I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. "

Bertrand Russell

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

" Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. "

" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "

" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" Every man has a sane spot somewhere. "

Robert Louis Stevenson

" Just telling the facts are no longer enough. You now have to be persuasive, charismatic, interesting, and funny. Just telling people things isn't enough anymore. "

Milo Yiannopoulos

" We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. "

" 'Copper' is my first period piece. It's funny because I've been doing a lot of episodes of 'Elementary' with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu; they keep bringing me back on the show, and so I go from being an outstanding black doctor to being a kind of hood, ex-car thief who went through rehab in 'Elementary.' "

" It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. "

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "

" Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. "

" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "

" Everybody complains about getting older, but I find it such a rich time of life. There are negative things about it, I suppose, but more than that, I'm finding it to be a very positive experience in which growth suggests itself in a much more alluring way than it did when I was young - isn't that funny? "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner