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" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

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" If you're going to America, bring your own food. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. "

" I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

" I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

" No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "

" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. "

" Polite conversation is rarely either. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "