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" It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often. "

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" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" You write about what you know. "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad. "

" Obviously comedic styles do change. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "