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" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

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" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "