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" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

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" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" Think off-center. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "