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" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

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" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Think off-center. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Religion is just mind control. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "