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" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "
" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "
" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "
" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "
" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "
" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "
" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "
" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "
" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "
" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "
" Religion is just mind control. "
" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "
" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "
" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "
" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "
" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "
" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "
" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "
" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "
" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "
" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "
" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "
" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "
" Think off-center. "
" Always do whatever's next. "
" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "