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" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

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" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. "

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "