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" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

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" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Think off-center. "

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" Always do whatever's next. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "