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" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

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" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

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" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

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" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

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" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

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" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "