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" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
Mitch Hedberg
I Wish
Better
Now
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" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
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" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
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" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "
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" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "
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" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
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" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "
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" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "
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" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
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" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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Bubble
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" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "
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Pyramid
Once
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" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
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" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
Mitch Hedberg
Four
Cart
Good
" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "
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Long
Would
Too
" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "
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You
Want
Two
" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "
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Hero
Real
Pants
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
Mitch Hedberg
Say
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Time
" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "
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" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
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Woman
Know
Mad
" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
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Really
Cool
Hippopotamus
" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "
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Funny
Know
Necklace
" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "
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" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
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Macaroni
Cheese
Food
" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
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Combination
Think
Soccer
" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "
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People
Now
Weird
" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "
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" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
Mitch Hedberg
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" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
Mitch Hedberg
Someone
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Who