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" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

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" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "