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" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

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" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? "

" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "

" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "