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" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "