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" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

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" I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "

" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "

" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "

" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "

" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "

" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! "

" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "