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" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "

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" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

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" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

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" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "