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" My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people. "

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" I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. "

" There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. "

" Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.' "

" I like all ladies of all different ages. "

" I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' "

" I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. "

" Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff. "

" Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. "

" America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. "

" It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

" I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. "