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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "

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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. "

" You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. "

" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "

" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "

" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "

" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "

" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "

" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "

" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "

" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "

" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "

" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "

" It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. "