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" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

Sabrina Carpenter

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" Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. "

" It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. "

" We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. "

" They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. "

" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. "

" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

" I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. "

" One picture is worth 1,000 denials. "

Picture Is Worth

" I am the shortest and least funny person in my family. "

Heather Donahue

" What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation. "

" Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen. "

" I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and that has its problems. And then I'll go out with the funny guy. It's almost like the funny guy has more to prove. "

Jennifer Coolidge

" It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. "

" To be or not to be. That's not really a question. "

Jean-Luc Godard

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. But yes, I don't like to get Maudlin. And I have a tendency towards it. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

Charles M. Schulz

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. "

" There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres