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" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

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" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "