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" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

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" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "