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" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

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" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "