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" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

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" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "