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" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

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" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I don't have email. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "